I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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