just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
