Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
