Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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