someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
