I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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