I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
