no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
