you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
