Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
