Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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