dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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