I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
