They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize