Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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