your thong is hanging out like whoa
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
