alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
