he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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