There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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