Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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