I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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