Going to get a "plan B"urrito
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
