so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
