shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
