One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
