my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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