i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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