remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
