I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
