my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
