Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
