My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
