you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
