Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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