I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
