i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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