best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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