i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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