i just wanna soil my oats bro
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
