you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
