oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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