also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize