last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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