1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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