you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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