if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
