I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize