Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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