I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize