She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize