Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
