you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
