How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
