My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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