Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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