my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
