i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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