please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
