I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
